It's strange to really sit and think about the difference that a year makes. I mean-- really just sit in the silence of wherever, get into your head and think. That's what I did last night. I couldn't sleep for the life of me, so around 2:30 in the morning I got up and went to the place where I had some of the best conversations with people in my life.
I sat there in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart up the road, and I turned off my car. I thought about everything, anything... everyone, anyone... My mind was going about a mile a minute. I thought about the past year... the past two years... about everything that's happened to me since I left home for the very first time to go out on my own. It's abduntly clear that I'm not the person that I was when I left. They say that college is a time where a person changes, but I never expected that I would have really changed that much. It's amazing how much I've grown up, but at the same time have become so scared of that prospect. There are so many things that I want to do with my life, but I stop myself before I even start to accomplish them.
I've met so many amazing people. Some amazing people have turned their back on me, and I've turned my back on some pretty amazing people myself. There are bridges that I burned that I'm suddenly realizing that I never should have lit the match. There are some bridges that I'm glad have charred. I wish there was some people, at least one person I know of for sure, that I could have back in my life. It's funny-- I have people that want to hang out with me (at least I think so) at school. I have a life at school. However, I get home and pretty have no one. I was always told that it would be different when you came home, I just never expected to be so lonely. I hardly have any friends here anymore and making new ones isn't as worth it because I'll just end up leaving again, leaving them behind, and the cycle will continue all over again.
Growing up is just becoming even more complicated.
I went back in my journal and found something that I wrote a year and a half ago. It's amazing how much of it still applies to everything about me. Everything that I'm feeling, everything that I'm craving, everything that I can't fully explain. ( What a difference a year (and a half) makes...Collapse )
Sometimes all it takes is a little reminder. Man, I sure did learn a lot in that Wal-Mart parking lot...