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moments like this
can freeze-frame time
there isn't much to do in my hometown. 
29th-Dec-2005 06:12 pm
barn // fields of gold
It's strange to really sit and think about the difference that a year makes. I mean-- really just sit in the silence of wherever, get into your head and think. That's what I did last night. I couldn't sleep for the life of me, so around 2:30 in the morning I got up and went to the place where I had some of the best conversations with people in my life.

I sat there in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart up the road, and I turned off my car. I thought about everything, anything... everyone, anyone... My mind was going about a mile a minute. I thought about the past year... the past two years... about everything that's happened to me since I left home for the very first time to go out on my own. It's abduntly clear that I'm not the person that I was when I left. They say that college is a time where a person changes, but I never expected that I would have really changed that much. It's amazing how much I've grown up, but at the same time have become so scared of that prospect. There are so many things that I want to do with my life, but I stop myself before I even start to accomplish them.

I've met so many amazing people. Some amazing people have turned their back on me, and I've turned my back on some pretty amazing people myself. There are bridges that I burned that I'm suddenly realizing that I never should have lit the match. There are some bridges that I'm glad have charred. I wish there was some people, at least one person I know of for sure, that I could have back in my life. It's funny-- I have people that want to hang out with me (at least I think so) at school. I have a life at school. However, I get home and pretty have no one. I was always told that it would be different when you came home, I just never expected to be so lonely. I hardly have any friends here anymore and making new ones isn't as worth it because I'll just end up leaving again, leaving them behind, and the cycle will continue all over again.

Growing up is just becoming even more complicated.

I went back in my journal and found something that I wrote a year and a half ago. It's amazing how much of it still applies to everything about me. Everything that I'm feeling, everything that I'm craving, everything that I can't fully explain.

There are some things that happen in one’s life that just hit you hard, make you think, make you crave, make you contemplate. What is it that makes me want to go on, move on, and just keep traveling on in my life? I don’t want to be unsatisfied anymore. I want to feel fulfilled everyday, knowing that in at least one life- I left my footprint. I want to walk out of my front door, take a breath of fresh air, and just smile. Just smile because I know that I am happy with my life, that I’m alive, and that I have been giving just one more day to grow, to be myself, and to be happy. But right now… I’m tired. Tired of always being walked over, tired of being the one that always listens, and tired of never being listened to in return. I have always put everyone’s happiness over my own, and in doing so—cutting my life short. I’m not even 18 yet, and sometimes I wonder if all my accomplishments were achieved because I really wanted them, or if I merely did them to make another person happy. I don’t want to live with those thoughts in my head. I want to achieve something because that’s what I wanted out of my life- not what other people wanted out of it. I can’t be the person that other people want me to be anymore. It’s just not me. As much as I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m that person, my heart screams at me that that’s just not me. For the first time in my life- I’m not going to deny my heart. I’m not perfect, I’m not a genius, and I’m not faultless. I’m human. I can be perverted. I laugh. I cry. I’m just Jenn. There’s nothing more that I want out of my life then to just be… Jenn. I do speak my mind, and I like to know what it feels like to have people speak theirs back to me. I don’t like to judge, nor do I like it when people judge me in return. I am grateful for the people that I have in my life who do listen to me, and in turn allow me to listen to them. I love to have deep discussions with people about life, dreams, the mysteries of the universe, and those questions that never really have a set answer. I love my true friends. I love my family even more. I hate backstabbers. Sometimes I just want to hop into my car and drive far, far away- just have no set destination and just drive on. I want to have a “take no prisoners” spirit and go on with my life. I want to be a teacher. I want to show a child that the impossible really is possible- that sometimes you just have to work a little harder to get there. I want to surround myself with people that have this spirit, who aren’t afraid to be themselves, and will never hold anything back from me. I want to accomplish so much before I settle down. But maybe I don’t want to settle down. I don’t ever want to get so comfortable in my life that I forget everything that I’ve ever wanted. And most of all—I never want to forget what is in my heart.

I like being alone. I feel that I accomplish the most when I am alone. It allows me to think, to feel, and most of all—remind me that I do more then just merely exist. This is when I get to strengthen my relationship with God, have deep conversations with Him, be vulnerable. I’m an extremely independent person. I love this independence. I never, ever want to depend on anyone but myself. As much as I want to have someone in my life- I never want to put them before me. I like to be the center of attention, but sometimes people make me claustrophobic. I need my alone time to get my priorities straight. I never want to stray from what my priorities are, and what I want them to be. I never want to live by anyone else’s priorities. Alone time allows me to think about me and not have to worry about anyone else, and well sometimes I just have to be self-centered and take time for the most important person in my life- myself.

I LOVE GOD. Point blank. I love Him and everything that He has done for me in my 18 years of life. There may have been times at which I haven’t been the greatest follower of Christ, but that doesn’t stop my wanting to fall in love with my Savior- the Omega. I want Him to be in my presence 24 hours, 7 days a week. I never want to walk without Him in my life. He has blessed my life in so many ways, that I don’t want any of these blessings to go away, nor do I want the blessings to ever stop. I hope one day that He blesses me with the man that He has always meant for me to be with. That He allows me to fall complete and hopelessly head over heels in love with someone. That He gives me the one man that I can look into his eyes and know that those eyes look only at me and me alone. Those eyes that can read my soul and in turn allow me to read his. I want to know what it is to connect with another human being physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I want to feel a love that will last a lifetime—if not more. I want to know what it’s like to have someone love me for the rest of my life- for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I want to say those vows and remain forever faithful to them. I want to save myself for the man that He meant me to have—let him know that I waited for him, and that I’ll continue to wait for him until I meet him at the end of the aisle. I can’t wait for him to hold me in his arms and laugh because everything is right. I want to feel the chuckle reverberate in his chest as I feel the vibrations against mine. I can’t wait for the kisses and the hugs that are ‘just because’. I can’t wait to wake up in his arms every morning and know that I’m safe and that I’m loved. I can’t wait to be a mother. I can’t wait to tell him that he’s a father. Lord—there’s so many things that you have blessed me with—and I want those blessings to continue for tomorrows to come, but just don’t let me neglect the todays and yesterdays because those are now, and I don’t want to live outside the moment.

I just want to be me. I just want to live. I don't want to regret anything for one moment in my life. I want to make something out of my life.

Most of all-- I just want to know that when I walk down a street, that I'll be confident, hold my head up high, and show the world everything that I have to offer.

Sometimes all it takes is a little reminder.

Man, I sure did learn a lot in that Wal-Mart parking lot...
30th-Dec-2005 04:09 pm (UTC)
I just want to be me. I just want to live. I don't want to regret anything for one moment in my life. I want to make something out of my life.

Most of all-- I just want to know that when I walk down a street, that I'll be confident, hold my head up high, and show the world everything that I have to offer.

That is so wise. Especially the first part of it. I've come to that part of my life too. I'm just trying to be who I am. Some people like it... some people don't. That's their bad. Not mine. I for the first time in my life feel satisfied with where everything is heading.
30th-Dec-2005 09:34 pm (UTC)
dido, it is surprising how much everything in st louis has become home to me. i have like nothing left here. a few choice friends but i am bored all the time. i need to be in school otherwise i feel useless
31st-Dec-2005 05:46 am (UTC)
I just want to be me. I just want to live. I don't want to regret anything for one moment in my life. I want to make something out of my life.

Just realizing that means you're on the right track hun! Keep doing what you're doing; I know you'll be fine!
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